Saturday, February 9, 2013

Fighting Against the Grain

I love Sally Clarkson's writing. She has such a way with words. I am reading her second book and it's so good. Sometimes I just highlight down both sides of the page because it is all worth remembering! That's when you know a book is good!

When I was a new Mother I was oblivious to what lay ahead for me. Well, more like when I was pregnant with my first. When he arrived, I figured out that things were not as they seemed. Sleepless nights, quick or no showers, eating when you could just to survive, and fussy/clingy babies. I had never wanted children. Ever.

When I was in middle school and early high school I wanted to be a lawyer. I really didn't want to marry either. When God got a hold of me though, things changed, at least some things. I wanted to marry and be a wife and homemaker.

I dated and dreamed of finding my prince though the world said there wasn't anymore princes to be found. I knew mine was out there, I just had to find him. I turned my love story over to God and He did lead me to my prince, though not the way or not the man I thought. It was a beautiful love story God wrote for us. I love to reminisce about it or write about it. In December 2006 we were united in marriage in our apartment by a ordained minister (a dear friend of ours) and his wife was the witness. Our life together was starting. I had so many dreams and plans for our future. We both had so much we wanted to experience together.,though not elaborate, still just spending the rest of my days with him and only him.

Then it happened. In May 2007 I found out I was pregnant. Boy, did it burst my bubble. I have never been a child person. Kids weren't naturally taken by me and I did not like them. Most of the ones I was around were little brats to say the least. I thought there is no way I will have any of those. I thought how will we do all the things we want to do with a baby? I mean I knew things changed when you had a baby. My brother had 2 of them 16 months apart. I was around them a lot and they had to change their lifestyle some, it's only smart and wise. I was also terrified of having the baby. Oh my. The horror stories I heard about labor and delivery. I was sure I would just die. I thought bring on the meds baby! After being in shock and horror for a month I started easing into the idea. Still, I had no thoughts on what to do when it arrived.

After my first baby boy was born, I went through a time that I felt short changed. I never had any time to myself (really, my first born was so clingy for the first 7-8 months). I rarely got a shower when I wanted one. I scarfed down my food each time I ate so I could at least have something in my belly. We lived off of ridiculous,easy foods. I never got to have quality time with my husband anymore. We were so tired that when we had the chance we just slept! Going out to eat? Ha! That was a joke. Daniel did not like us to have any fun it seemed. I thought to myself more than once, this child has ruined my life. No romantic getaways, no long road trips, no nothing without interruptions. I was only being human. We are so selfish aren't we? I know I was and I still am, though God has worked on me a lot. Not sure when I realized it (I wrote about it on my first blog), but God opened my selfish eyes. I saw God trying to refine me and help me die to self. Once I figured that out, I surrendered and have been since then. It is not about me. I am to serve my children. Did Jesus not serve while he was on earth? My children need me to lead and guide them. There is a lot I could be doing instead of home every single day with my children, but I chose this path. It is surely not an easy one either. It's demanding, stressful, tiring, irritating, and you name it. It is also rewarding,joyful, sweet,worthwhile, and so much more.

I still struggle at times with the me syndrome. I deserve to have some time to make jewelry or I deserve a new blouse. Our world is expensive anyways, but you throw children in the mix and it's even more. We are a one income family, but God provides over what we need. Do we have everything we want? Why no. No one really does. We do have stability, love, and favor with God. I'm not saying I have to be at my children's beckon call, but they do come above me (not saying to not take care of yourself either). My husband is under God and my children are under my husband. They are my ministry, but not the only people I can minister too. We are definitely on a lone path. Thankfully, it's a beaten path where others have gone before us doing what we are doing now. It's not the normal in this day and time,but it is traditional. We have strong convictions about home,children, and marriage. That is what I want to pass on to my children. I don't think they will remember how well I made jewelry,but how well I loved and served God and them.

Just sharing some of my heart with ya. :)

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