Not Letting Life Rule You

My husband has a different schedule than some men. It used to horrible,but over the last few years it has straightened out a lot. When we first got married it was insane the amount it changed from week to week. He works in Law Enforcement and it is similar to any kind of hospital job. We were only married 4 months when we got pregnant and 9 1/2 months later we had our first son. It's then that I began to hate his job. The shift changed each week still and it was 12 hour shifts. A crying baby, breastfeeding problems,and recovering from a c-section made it even worse. Some weeks he never was home on time. We didn't have help 15 or 20 minutes down the road and had no friends. It was so hard. I became bitter towards his job and supervisors. They weren't even really at fault! I had to have someone to blame.

When our first born turned 1 we found out we were pregnant with our second child. It was the same thing over. Long nights and long days. I am naturally a routine person. My Mother says I came out on a schedule. You can imagine what I was like with absolutely no schedule. Irritable, cranky,and irrational. I kept wishing and dreaming for another job for my husband. I knew he was called to do what he was doing,but I was tired of doing it alone it seemed. That by no means insinuates that my husband never helped. He helped SO much when he was home,but when he was at work he rarely got a minute to stop by. They keep him pretty busy,no really busy. He had to go work details that took him out of town for 4-5 days and I was weary. I needed a routine so bad. I needed to know which day it was instead of feeling so lost. Since his job was not a 8-5 Monday-Friday, it was hard to have my days figured out. It was bad enough having one person in the house on a totally different schedule. By the time my second son was almost a year old I made my mind up, something had to change.

Sleep was getting easier with my oldest,who as a baby/toddler, hated to sleep. My second son slept much better than his older brother. We started implementing a bedtime because since my first came into the world my life was turned upside down. I wanted them asleep by at least 9. That gave me an hour to wind down and spend time with my husband, whose schedule was beginning to become more sensible. He was put on a shift and rarely had a different one unless he had court or school. I had struggled to read my Bible. Oh man. I was so used to having 2-3 hours every morning to pray and read the Word. That went out the window when the babies arrived. I somehow found time for a little reading and had to learn to pray throughout the day. It was not easy,but I had to have the boys and I on a schedule. I did not let it slide on my husband's off days,which are different each week. Things began to get much better. Good thing it did,because I was pregnant with my third son,when our second one turned a year old.

We are still on a schedule that has gotten much better. My oldest is 5 now. My second to oldest is 3 1/2 and my youngest will be 2 in a couple of weeks. Sometimes you just have to take life by the horns and not let it rule you. There was nothing I could do about my husband's job. I had to get over myself and get with the program. My children and husband needed me. God gave me the strength and grace to make it. I no longer hate my husband's job like I did. He is ministering to many people and many of his co-workers. God is using him mightily and blessing us. A quote I heard from a movie we watched last night (Faith Like Potatoes), "The best condition for a miracle is difficulty." How true is that. Never forget the God who formed you and who knows just what to do.

Refining Me, One Boy At a Time

Daniel,Aaron,Johnathan posing for Mama.

I'm Mother to 3 small  growing boys. Daniel is 5,Aaron is 4 1/2,and Johnathan is 1 1/2. It can be so hard some days. I am constantly redirecting, correcting,and guiding them. I'm training them how to live civilized. That my friends, is not an easy task,especially when they have the same sin nature as I do. I'm just as selfish as they are day in and day out. I wonder what in the world God thinks of me. Does He every tire of having to redirect me? I know I have been a stubborn child to my parents (when I was living with them) and to God. It's one of my traits I am not proud of most days. This is proving to be one of the hardest things I have done in my life.

I'm not a natural child lover. Growing up I was around younger ones due to our big family of cousins,but as I got to high school age I learned quick that kids were not my thing. I never wanted any children,only to be married and go off to the mission field. Kids were so rude and disobedient. I always thought I never want children if they act that way. Little did I know I wasn't so pleasant at times when I was a child. When God gave me my first son I was scared too death and asked what in the world are you doing? Refining you is the answer I got. Okay, I need refining? I thought you did that in college with the situations I went through. No, He said, I was growing you then. Okay, thanks for letting me know. That's how the convo went with God. I finally gave in to the idea that the first born wasn't going anywhere anytime soon and decided to just surrender to God. I wasn't sure what I was in for,but I knew it was better than trying to do my own thing for the next 18 years.

God has really changed me in a lot of ways. 2 sons later and I look at things differently now. I do believe God is using my children to transform me to more of His image. It's not easy and it's not always fun. It is necessary though. They have taught me so much about myself,God,and life. I also realized that I would have never made it in a foreign land. I visited Honduras for 2 weeks in 2003,right before I started college. My heart longed for that country,for people who desired and wanted something. It was a life changing experience. After being a parent for 5 1/2 years, I have learned if I cannot minister and care for my own children, I sure won't do it for those I don't even know. At least that is how I feel about it. We have to reach and minister to our families before we can do the same to others around us. God knew what He was doing all along,even though I questioned His ways. I still have a looong ways to go,but I can see a little teeny bit of progress in this process.

Those are my 3 darling,rambunctious,and energetic boys up there. They are a mess and I love them with everything in me.

Fighting Against the Grain

I love Sally Clarkson's writing. She has such a way with words. I am reading her second book and it's so good. Sometimes I just highlight down both sides of the page because it is all worth remembering! That's when you know a book is good!

When I was a new Mother I was oblivious to what lay ahead for me. Well, more like when I was pregnant with my first. When he arrived, I figured out that things were not as they seemed. Sleepless nights, quick or no showers, eating when you could just to survive, and fussy/clingy babies. I had never wanted children. Ever.

When I was in middle school and early high school I wanted to be a lawyer. I really didn't want to marry either. When God got a hold of me though, things changed, at least some things. I wanted to marry and be a wife and homemaker.

I dated and dreamed of finding my prince though the world said there wasn't anymore princes to be found. I knew mine was out there, I just had to find him. I turned my love story over to God and He did lead me to my prince, though not the way or not the man I thought. It was a beautiful love story God wrote for us. I love to reminisce about it or write about it. In December 2006 we were united in marriage in our apartment by a ordained minister (a dear friend of ours) and his wife was the witness. Our life together was starting. I had so many dreams and plans for our future. We both had so much we wanted to experience together.,though not elaborate, still just spending the rest of my days with him and only him.

Then it happened. In May 2007 I found out I was pregnant. Boy, did it burst my bubble. I have never been a child person. Kids weren't naturally taken by me and I did not like them. Most of the ones I was around were little brats to say the least. I thought there is no way I will have any of those. I thought how will we do all the things we want to do with a baby? I mean I knew things changed when you had a baby. My brother had 2 of them 16 months apart. I was around them a lot and they had to change their lifestyle some, it's only smart and wise. I was also terrified of having the baby. Oh my. The horror stories I heard about labor and delivery. I was sure I would just die. I thought bring on the meds baby! After being in shock and horror for a month I started easing into the idea. Still, I had no thoughts on what to do when it arrived.

After my first baby boy was born, I went through a time that I felt short changed. I never had any time to myself (really, my first born was so clingy for the first 7-8 months). I rarely got a shower when I wanted one. I scarfed down my food each time I ate so I could at least have something in my belly. We lived off of ridiculous,easy foods. I never got to have quality time with my husband anymore. We were so tired that when we had the chance we just slept! Going out to eat? Ha! That was a joke. Daniel did not like us to have any fun it seemed. I thought to myself more than once, this child has ruined my life. No romantic getaways, no long road trips, no nothing without interruptions. I was only being human. We are so selfish aren't we? I know I was and I still am, though God has worked on me a lot. Not sure when I realized it (I wrote about it on my first blog), but God opened my selfish eyes. I saw God trying to refine me and help me die to self. Once I figured that out, I surrendered and have been since then. It is not about me. I am to serve my children. Did Jesus not serve while he was on earth? My children need me to lead and guide them. There is a lot I could be doing instead of home every single day with my children, but I chose this path. It is surely not an easy one either. It's demanding, stressful, tiring, irritating, and you name it. It is also rewarding,joyful, sweet,worthwhile, and so much more.

I still struggle at times with the me syndrome. I deserve to have some time to make jewelry or I deserve a new blouse. Our world is expensive anyways, but you throw children in the mix and it's even more. We are a one income family, but God provides over what we need. Do we have everything we want? Why no. No one really does. We do have stability, love, and favor with God. I'm not saying I have to be at my children's beckon call, but they do come above me (not saying to not take care of yourself either). My husband is under God and my children are under my husband. They are my ministry, but not the only people I can minister too. We are definitely on a lone path. Thankfully, it's a beaten path where others have gone before us doing what we are doing now. It's not the normal in this day and time,but it is traditional. We have strong convictions about home,children, and marriage. That is what I want to pass on to my children. I don't think they will remember how well I made jewelry,but how well I loved and served God and them.

Just sharing some of my heart with ya. :)

Giving To the Undeserving

I'm so glad that God has not given up on me yet. I am a work in progress, but He sees fit to continue showing me grace. So why don't I show it to others? Oh, but I do, I show it to my family, most of the time. What about those people who I do not think deserve it? Ouch. That's what He spoke to me earlier today. Why don't you show her grace? My reply, because she doesn't deserve it. It's my heart, not hers. He's asking her to do other things, but He's asking me to do this one.

Does anyone feel me? There are those who have hurt you or your family members and you just do not think they deserve anything good. They may not be cold, hard killers, but they do not show love like they should and you know it. They aren't really mean, but it's laziness or pure oblivion. Haven't I been there though? I can recall times where I was lazy instead of doing what I knew God wanted me to do. I can also recall times where I was totally oblivious to what God wanted me to do. You know what? I can remember someone coming along side and serving me. In essence, that is what I would be doing for this person and to be honest, it urks me. It grates on my nerves, because I know she does not serve how she is called too. There goes my heart again.

I have to let go and give grace. I have to let go and pray for her. It is so hard though. I pray I can let go a day at a time and began to see her through my Savior's eyes. A soul in need of refining, just like mine.

Here are a few scriptures to minister to you all. Blessings!

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.
    John 13:34

For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another.
Galatians 5:13