Today's Discussion Question: How have you dealt with your "wounds" up until now? Have these "wounds" become a part of who you are? Do you desperately want to get rid of them?
This is a pretty deep question and I pray we all get raw with the answer. I'm still pondering if I am completely healed from not having a vaginal birth emotionally. Here is my story. When I was pregnant with my first son, I planned on a vaginal birth,a natural one at that. We knew he was posterior (aka-sunny side up) and had not dropped down in the pelvis. I still was not even considering a c-section. I read some books by Dr. Sears and was using a Doula(close friend) and Nurse Midwife (works at a hospital). They gave me plenty of information too. I went into labor on a Thursday and things weren't going like we thought. Of course, at the time I thought they were,I'd never given birth! By Saturday afternoon we had to make a decision to go with a c-section. Daniel was in a deep transverse arrest (lying across my uterus) position and there was no way he was coming out of there without help! Oh boy,this threw me for a loop. I did not want major surgery,had not planned for it,and there was nothing I could do about it. The c/s was fine and we were both healthy. I was pretty tired as you guessed it, since I had not really slept since Thursday. I was pretty out of it too. I can't remember much from that first day or two since I was on medication. I did everything I wanted though. I labored in different positions,went natural up unto the c/s was performed (it was a 42 hour labor-my own choice),and started breastfeeding. I could not do anything for Daniel though. Mike took care of him the whole time in the hospital besides feeding him and he had to help me with that. I had a very rough time with that too,but I did it. I remember the 2nd or 3rd day we were home I just started crying. I told Mike I wanted to be able to care for Daniel like I had anticipated. My belly was still tender and I was very sore (due to them not getting me up and moving until day 2). I told him I just don't understand how God could let this happen. I believed it was His will for women to give birth vaginally. I felt like a horrible Mother. Months went by and I begin telling God I have no clue why I could not just give birth vaginally,but if I didn't get an answer I would be okay with it,I knew He did know best. I didn't feel less of a woman,I just did not want to have to have another c/s in the future. I didn't know anything about VBAC's until I had a friend have one and found a lady on here that had one also. I felt like I did heal from that experience. I did all that I could do to have the birth I wanted,but it wasn't how God had it planned.
So onto more some more wounds. I found a VBAC book and begin reading it once my son was 6 months old. I wanted to be prepared no matter when I got pregnant again. I set my mind to it right then. I wanted a VBAC! I knew I could do it with God's help. So when Daniel turned a year old, we found out we were expecting again. We were so excited,especially me! I just knew I could have a VBAC,but I also prepared myself for another c/s. I did not want to totally ignore the fact that I may have to have another c/s. I worked with the same 2 ladies as from my previous pregnancy. They were both excited too! I started watching my sugar intake in hopes it would help the baby not be so big. If it didn't work at least I knew I tried. I worked out as much as I could and I really felt great about this. I wrote down everything I ate every day and started weighing myself each day for my Doula (she is a Midwife also). We found out early on that the baby was posterior,so I started doing exercises for that. I found ladies in the area who had a VBAC or two and even attended an ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) meeting. I took a 6 hour VBAC class also with a lady whose Mother is a Midwife here and she was also going for a VBAC. I planned to do things the same way as far as birth and labor. Labor as long as I could at home with the Doula,go all natural,and try different positions. Once I was 20 weeks he turned to a breech position,so I did exercises to combat that and he turned back head down. He never would stay anterior though. I kept on doing exercises to keep him that way,but it just never worked. So time went on and I was "past" due. During the 41 week I started having contractions and on a Thursday they were intense and I was dilating. It was going pretty fast too. So by midnight that Thursday we were at the hospital and I was laboring in a room. My Doula and CNM both were very confident I would have a vaginal birth. I was vocalizing and just praying very hard through the contractions. Once my water broke I waited as long as I could to push. Once I started pushing,they noticed each time I would stop pushing he would move back and not stay down on the cervix. He was still posterior too. Boy, they tried all the could do to turn him and figure out why I would not dilate to 10 (I was at 9,but with my first I was at 10). After a couple hours of that, my CNM suggested an epidural to let me rest and see if he would turn or a c/s. I did not want to get an epi and it not work out how we thought,so my husband and I opted for another c/s. I felt more peace this time though. I had done everything. I did not want to endanger my son or myself. They discovered my pelvic bone is flat and with him being a big baby (he was 9lbs 10oz) in the posterior position he just wasn't going to come. I felt at peace since I tried all I could do to have the baby the best way I saw fit.
I still just didn't understand why though. Why could I not have a vaginal birth? Why did I have to be one of the women who has flat pelvic bone? It's rare and I was one of them. I wasn't mad,but I was just let down. We worked so hard to achieve this vaginal birth and up until the last minute all thought it would happen. I remember getting in the shower after we got home and just crying out to God. I had failed at something I thought would happen. I told him I do not understand God,why??? I then told Him I do not understand Your ways,but let it bring glory to You somehow. How? I still don't know how it will,but I stopped wondering why I didn't get the birth I wanted. So I felt at peace with God. I knew I had done what I needed to do,but for some reason it just wasn't meant to happen. I was also and still am not sure about future births now. I longed to have more than 2 kids. It's very hard being a Mother,but I love it! It's what I am called to do. Now, what? I do not want another c/s. They are not safe for women to have over and over. So I'm just sort of torn with that decision. I believe God should control our wombs,but I also know I cannot put myself in danger. As of now, I am ordered to wait 4 years before conceiving again due my uterus not being in the best condition. After then, I am not sure what will happen. I know God knows and that does comfort me. Not only was that a wound,but breastfeeding was also. I had such a hard time with my first. I thought the second time around was going to be a little easier,but it wasn't. I eventually had to stop when Aaron was only 2 or 3 weeks old. I was so distraught. I remember just crying at the thought of not breastfeeding. I was so emotional right after I had Aaron and that did not help. So I have healed in some ways and some ways I have not. I know God can and will heal me too.
I'm just very passionate about natural birth and breastfeeding and well in my mind at times, I failed at both. I know I didn't since my boys are both here and healthy,but I don't know. I guess it's hard to explain. I can talk about the births and all without crying or having to hold back tears,but I just wanted the vaginal birth for so many reasons. Alright! Thank you for reading,that was long! I pray you all had a blessed day! Join us in our journey to discovering more about our God!