I have been thinking a lot about my life now compared to my life before a husband and children. They look so different,but it's not in a bad way. I was so comfortable in my life prior to being a Mother. I really had no idea how comfortable either. I remember praying almost daily for the Lord to make me mold-able and mold me more into the image of Christ. Little did I know, He would do that with my children.
I stayed at my college Sunday-Tuesday and was home the remaining days of the week with my parents. I went to church every Sunday and every Wednesday. I always knew what to expect and it was very comfortable to me. We had powerful services where people cried out to God for many different things and I was being changed,but I was still comfortable. Does that make sense? I really didn't have many challenges. I did well in college,I had great friends,I had a wonderful family,and I lived monetarily comfortable. The biggest challenge was a test to study for or being afraid to do a drama on stage with the Joshua Generation. At the time,those seemed huge and to God they did matter. They did help mold me when I called on the Lord for His help and strength.I just had no idea that the "hard" molding would be after I had children. I don't say that in a bad way or a demeaning way. I love my children and I am honored God gifted me with them. I had no idea what Motherhood would be like. I wasn't sure what to expect. I was very much awakened to my selfishness though. I learned to put myself last and my babies first. I am still learning that. I look back and think wow to have a test to study for again ha! I have to draw from Him every second of the day or I will not make it. Dependent? Why yes,very! Crying babies,fighting brothers,and a dirty house can get to anyone after a while. I am raising human beings! How can I not depend on God for guidance?! Though some days I long to be carefree young one again,I am thankful for the things God uses to mold more into His image. My boys are so sweet and loving. They sure aren't perfect,but they sure are my heart.
I have learned so much about how God sees me as His child by having children. I love my children even when they do wrong and when they do something I have told them not too. God feels the same about me. Nothing really can change how He feels towards me. He loves me with an ever lasting love. My children are not old enough to do something that would be so shocking to us as parents yet,but I can imagine my love would not change for them. I may be angry,upset,shocked,or even ashamed,but I will still love them. It's amazing how God uses our children in so many ways to relate to us. So God knew what He was doing by giving me children. I struggled with a lot as I grew up. I was also so shy,timid,and fearful. The Lord has delivered me from such things. It tries to rear it's ugly head time to time,but I know now I am loved by my Father in heaven. I don't need man's approval on my looks because my Father says He sings over me with His banner of love. I don't need to put my trust in lucky charms to ward off evil,I have the Word of God that puts fear into the powers of darkness. I don't have to feel unworthy or invisible I know God sees every aspect of my being and my worth lies in Him alone. My husband doesn't bring me worth nor do my kids. My Father's thoughts of me brings my worth. I am simply worth loving because He says so. Isn't that wonderful?! The passage in Romans 8 that takes talks about not being separated from the love of Christ has a whole new meaning when you know your Father intimately and if you have children it sheds a new light on it also.
I used to think I had to be perfect in order for God to love me and this was when I was born again and seeking God. I wasn't in a sinful state. I thought I had to pray so many hours a day,read so many chapters a day in my Bible,and go to church every time the doors were open. In my new phase of life,God has been showing me that the apostles were by no means perfect. Peter cursed,Paul killed many Christians,and others did things that were not right in God's eyes. They repented for their sin though. They never were perfect as Jesus,but they never stopped seeing what they did as sin when it was sin. I may not can pray for hours without distraction or read 10 chapters of the Bible a day without distraction. I will get angry at my kids and yell. I will get frustrated with my husband and not tell him. I will get annoyed by having to pick up a zillion times during the day. BUT I have to continually repent for my thoughts and my words. I have to acknowledge I sinned and look to God to help me not to continue to make the same mistakes over and over. My outlook on a Christian life has changed a lot in 6 years. God has opened my eyes to a lot of things I thought were true,that are not true by any means. He's showed me a lot through my children.
So what have you learned through your children? What has God taught you about Himself and yourself?
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.