My Story- Pregnancy,Birth,& Labor

This is a short version of it all,but just a little testimony.

Our 3rd little boy was born June 29th of this year. He is so sweet. Thomas Johnathan Jackson S. was born that morning weighing 10 lbs 6 oz and was 21 3/4 inches long. He was healthy and perfect. It was my 3rd c/s after 1 failed VBAC. 

I'm a follower of Christ and know that God does know what is best for our lives,even though sometimes it's hard to cope with. I labored 42 hours with no medication with my first baby,it ended in a c/s due to complications with the baby's position and my body. I did all I could do,but it just didn't work how I thought. I was pretty upset after it all too. I also tried to breastfeed and did so for 5 months,but it was a struggle due to my body again. I felt as if I had failed as a woman,not giving birth vaginally and not being able to nurse my baby as long as I would have liked or thought I needed too. A year passes and God was working on my brokenness and trying to speak to me. I knew that He knew best,but WHY still is what I asked. I just wanted a normal,vaginal delivery. 
A year goes by and we find out we are pregnant again. This time I started reading up on a VBAC(vaginal birth after a cesarean) and wanted to achieve one. I exercised and watched my weight trying to not put a lot of weight on the baby. My first was 9lbs and 3oz. We thought if I could not gain,but the recommended 25 lbs maybe it would help. I worked my tail off trying to not take in so much sugar and starches. So the time came and I started labor. Things went much faster and we all really thought it would happen vaginally. Well, it did not. They discovered my pelvic bone was flat. That along with the size and position of the babies would make it near impossible to get them through the birth canal safely or at all. So after 10 hours we had another c/s. I was really distraught this time. I worked so hard only to get knocked down again. To me it was just something I was passionate about and still am,birthing naturally (which I did without meds both times) and vaginally. Breastfeeding did not go well again either. I went into depression after a week. I had never been that way. I wasn't crying all the time,but all I could think about was how angry I was at God and how much a failure I was as a woman. It was horrible. I joined a Bible study online on my blog and God really spoke to me and begin to heal me. After 8 weeks I begin to slowly let go of my expectations and my wants. It was so hard,yet so easy as my Savior called me to His will and His way. I would tell God whatever it is,just use it to bring Your glory. I was beginning to except that it is okay that I had that birth experience and to be grateful for the interventions I had. 

Another year passes and we are pregnant again. This time, I was scared. I wasn't sure if my body could do this again and I knew a c/s may be the first option. I've read up on it all and I know there are risks with both types of births. My Certified Nurse Midwife suggested a c/s at 39 weeks due to my history and how horrible shape my uterus was in just a year ago. My stomach muscle had torn and was totally exposed too,not that it harmed me,it just poked out. It was just b/c of the labor and big babies. I really did not want another c/s,but I also had to think about my 2 other boys and husband. I also had to remember that God knows best. We prayed about it and felt it was the best way to go. Only God knows why and I may never know. Through this last c/s I have learned to be thankful for grace and mercy. Where would I have been without the c/s? Those first 2 babies were not coming out vaginally. If the c/s were not possible,would I be dead? My baby dead? More than likely. I also used to look at my scar as shameful and regretting it. But I don't want to anymore. I want to look at it with grave,love,and mercy. I'm just a sinner saved by grace,who seeks to do the will of my Father. Jesus did not look at his nail scarred hands with regret or shame. He looked at them with love and compassion. He did what he had to do for us and I did what I had to do for my children. It's not been an easy rode,but He never said that the cross would not get heavy or the hill would not be hard to climb,just as one of my favorite songs says. He did say He would never leave me nor forsake me though. That, I know for sure. Through pregnancy and birth God has really drawn me closer to Him. He's humbled me and helped me realize He is the only one in control. I have to trust Him,who else am I going to trust? He has my best interest at heart. 

I just wanted to share my story. It may not mean much to others,but it sure means a lot to me. My God is faithful. My God is able. He's so gracious to me.